Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
send nudes
from the living room?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
