I must be too annoying 4 u.
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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