I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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