Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
