textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Randomize
