No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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