just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
