3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
