shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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