"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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