playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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