Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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