I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
