Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
