i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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