I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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