If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
