I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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