Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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