y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize