Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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