If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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