I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
