Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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