I just threw up on my dentist
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
