I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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