Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
