life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
