hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
