I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
