i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
