my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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