did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
