brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
