Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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