What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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