Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Dignity is for republicans.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Randomize
