The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
