it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Randomize
