At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
