And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize