I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
