You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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