where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
