just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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