Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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