she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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