Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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