Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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