You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
