I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
