when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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