Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
