the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
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