it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
