Pregnant stripper...not hot.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My ass is underappreciated
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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