It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
