I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
