Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
