You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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