I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
