Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
