I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Randomize
