We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Randomize
