so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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