It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
