I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize