I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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