god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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