Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
i came on her dog
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
