I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
my liver is dry heaving
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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