I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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