I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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