I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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