In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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