he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
