she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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