he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
