Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize