So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
