I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
