u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
